return to me, oh wanderer

I have drifted. I have strayed. I have wandered. I have become distant.

“Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love“.

The people of Israel once became too comfortable with their sins and I too have. The black shroud of sin that covers my face like a veil has turned me away from my Groom. I set myself apart with shame.

My guilt and shame wears me down. But do I turn back? Do I repent?  No. Shame is not the same as repentance, nor is humiliation the same as humility. It is not enough to simply acknowledge my sin wallowing in my shame.

It’s been a few years since I’ve blogged, but I feel the need to purge.

Where to begin? Well, 2016 was a pretty lonely year. I began to feel myself sliding away from God’s truths. In 2017, I completely abandoned him. I walked so far away that I completely forgot how to get back home. Now, here we are in 2018. He’s been pulling at my shirt tail for a while whispering “Nina…its time to come home…I know the road has been dark, but I’ve left the light on for you. I know it has been a while, but I never stopped calling for you to come back. Be ye scared, I’m right beside you my child. Be ye tired, I’ll carry you. Be ye lost, I will guide you”.

I wish my testimony was flawless. I wish that I never would have strayed. I wish that I felt worthy enough to enter into His presence.

The tax collectors and sinners were approaching to listen to him. ² And the Pharisees and scribes were complaining, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.” ³ So he told them this parable: ⁴ “What man among you, who has a hundred sheep and loses one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open field^[a] and go after the lost one until he finds it? ⁵ When he has found it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders, ⁶ and coming home, he calls his friends and neighbors together, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, because I have found my lost sheep!’ ⁷ I tell you, in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who don’t need repentance. (Luke 15:1-7)

I need to be carried home. I’ve been lost, and need to be found. Oh, the marvel of it all that He rejoices in my rescue and my return! My sins have carried me far from home, but the door was never closed. Each time I sin I cry “Crucify Him! Crucify Him”; yet each time, He still bears my cross.

The song of my soul goes a little something like this:

1. Nina does well, she is content, she is happy.
2. Nina’s life starts to get chaotic, she tried to make up for these loses on her own accord.
3. She fights and fights, using all of her resources, all of her energies and either a) does nothing to help her situation, or b) makes her situation worse.
4. Nina finally surrenders and chooses her Father as a last resort. He redeems and restores. Be builds beauty from the ashes, He makes the sun rise once again on what once seemed like a never ending night. He is not bitter, He is not angry with her, He still chooses her every single time.
5. Nina says “Oh my stars! Who would’ve guessed it! His plans are higher than mine! His ways are better”! She promises to never place her own volition over her faith ever again.
6. The cycle repeats.

Friends, I don’t know what I’m doing in my life. I’m not sure how I got here, but I’m tired, I’m worn, my legs are weak from running, and my soul is heavy and burdened.

“Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest. Take up my yoke and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light”.  (Matthew 11:28-30 CSB)

I seek refuge, I seek relief. Father, hear my cry, and carry me home. Thank you for your constant grace. I don’t deserve you, but you still want me. You’ve never given up on me, and you never will. Help me to see that. Help me to fix my eyes upon you.

“Here’s my heart, oh take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above”.